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Several Prominent Citizens Step Forward With New Evidence of Trump Corruption!
The New York Public Library’s Fifth Avenue location reported today that President Donald Trump failed to return a prized copy of The Art Of War, by Sun Tzu, in 1962. The librarian, Perdita McKnotreel, tearfully told the press today the library fees incurred were astronomical, and in addition to owing those, the President is also on the hook to the tune of $157.26, the cost of a replacement copy. To date, none of these fines have ever been paid.
Brett Kavanaugh was seen standing alongside Trump as he planted a big wet sloppy one on her lips, though she didn’t see and doesn’t remember a thing.
In addition, a third whistleblower has come forward to state he was the source for the other two whistleblowers. John DeBogus, an analyst for the NCFRN (National Center For Real News), states he heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend, who heard it from another Trump’s been messing around. He also stated that in addition to that, the President made disparaging statements in regards to Peter, High King of Narnia, Lord of Cair Paravel. The powerful King invoked The Lion, swearing vengeance. “Aslan shall devour the whole of America for this! Trump has betrayed his country, and provoked the fearsome justice of The Lion!”
The whistleblower said he found out about the president’s unfortunate words, that Narnia was “just a fairytale,” in a conference he had with Tumnus the fawn in his kitchen pantry. These events are just the latest in a long string of damaging, impeachment worthy acts the president has committed over the past three years.
Just last year, famed boxer and two time world heavyweight champion Rocky Balboa came forward and stated emphatically that he had not been reimbursed by the president after training him extensively in the practice of counter punching and slipping the jab. “Hey, yo, ah, yeah I, you know, taught the kid everything I know, ya know?” Balboa stated in a press conference held on the famed steps which once bore a statue dedicated to him. His close associate, Lincoln Hawk, said he had transported a trailer of unicorns to the president’s private club, Mar A Lago, ostensibly shipped there for the private use of Trump’s Russian handlers. Or was it the Ukrainians? He reports he, as well, had not received payment for his services, and his son Mike vouched for him.
If that wasn’t bullshit enough for people to wake up and smell the covfefe, yet another woman has come forward to say the President has acted inappropriately with her. Sleeping Beauty, now awake and a prominent member of her country’s new democracy, stated when she was sleeping, so many years ago we all lost count, the president walked up to her bed and kissed her without even asking permission to do so. She also states Brett Kavanaugh was seen standing alongside Trump as he planted a big wet sloppy one on her lips, though she didn’t see and doesn’t remember a thing. She blamed her lack of detail on her long time nemesis, Maleficent, whom she claims is in Trump’s pocket.
These things and more have led House Democrats, most notably Adam Schiffty – er…. Schiff- to declare the president a derelict, corrupt criminal deserving of impeachment. An impeachment inquiry has been launched, but so far, Democrats have been met with resistance from those who say this is all one big HOAX. Stay tuned for any new developments in this fantasy- uh… story. Just kidding. This is satire, Adam Schiff lives in Far Far Away, and Donald John Trump is still your President.