The Simpsons Characters That Wouldn’t Make the Cut in 2019

Does society have an ‘Apu’ problem? I don’t know. Did Salem have a witch problem back in 1692? The answer to both questions is no. Back in 17th Century Salem, there weren’t problems with witches until a bunch of teenagers (pre-millennials) started pointing their accusatory fingers at Goodwife ‘Goody’ Ann Glover and screaming “She’s a witch!”

In the end there were no real witches, the teenagers had their manufactured outrage moment in the sun and the whole thing blew over. It was only really a problem for Goody Glover…who was wrongly hung for the crime of witchcraft.

1. Apu

Fast forward a few hundred years and we have comedian Hari Kondabolu, who apparently wasn’t getting enough attention when reading the U.S. citizenship application during his standup comedy act. So he manufactured some racial outrage with his documentary “The Problem with Apu,” and now the character is probably going to disappear in a poof of imaginary racism.

Of course the only real problem this solves is Kondabolu’s attention problems. The character of Apu will get the ‘Goodwife’ treatment for the sin of being funny in a diversity sort of way.

So let me state as an absolute fact. Society doesn’t have an Apu problem. America doesn’t have an Apu problem. India doesn’t have an Apu problem. The Simpsons don’t have an Apu problem. People of Indian decent don’t have an Apu problem.

The electrical engineer from Tamil Nadu, India I used to work with, who ended his meetings with “Thank you, come again,!” certainly didn’t have an Apu problem. The only one who had an Apu problem was Hari Kondabolu and the Twitter trolls who wanted the reflected glow of the media spotlight.

Nevertheless, the Simpsons will be writing Apu out of the show. With this in mind, if Apu is too offensive for today’s audience, here are five other characters that could not exist if The Simpsons was created today.

More Simpsons Characters Who Shouldn’t Be

2. Willy the Groundskeeper

Groundskeeper Willy is a stereotype of a Scotsman. This means he is presented a volatile ginger who froths with rage and haggis. He is the bagpipe playing Scottish curmudgeon who keeps Springfield Elementary clean.

Nearly every sentence that comes from Willy’s mouth starts with the word “Ahk” and he wears his kilt in a ‘regimental’ fashion that would win him a place on any decent sex offender list. He drinks, sleeps on the job and lives in a primitive shack that is a few steps below even the most shi-shi of trailer park dwellings.

His most defining trait is his temper. Willy has the disposition of killer bee hive that has given up on collecting pollen in favor of PCP. When Willy’s red hair bristles and he tears his shirt off you just know that some senseless violence and a ruptured spleen are not far behind.

3. Chief Wiggum

Chief Wiggum is the cop that the Black Lives Matter criminals want you to think all cops are. First of all, he looks enough like an actual pig where if he were to eat a bacon cheeseburger it might be considered an act of cannibalism. He is corrupt, incompetent and occasionally gets his pistol mixed up with the television channel changer.

During a Halloween episode he shot the captain of the high school basketball team based on the premise that “he was turning into a monster.” While CNN would be fully on board with a law enforcement officer who once portrayed clubbing women and children like they were baby seals, this would still be too much for today’s triggered happy audience.

4. Luigi Risotto

If Apu is a step over the line of political correctness then Springfield’s favorite Italian restauranteur, Luigi Risotto, has left that line somewhere behind him in another time zone.

Luigi is what happens when Chef Boyardee and Nintendo’s Mario somehow have an unholy love child. He speaks in heavily accented, broken English and ticks the box on just about every Italian stereotype. In an episode where Springfield Elementary gets flooded with grease, and the children are playing in it, Nelson Muntz shouts “Here comes a greaseball” just as Luigi walks into the room.

If using a direct, unveiled racial slur wasn’t enough to constrict the sphincter of ‘safe space’ dwellers, the fact that the character is actually the product of cultural appropriation should cause them to spontaneously combust. Luigi Risotto, in Simpsons lore, is actually an Englishman named Lothar Folkman.

Lothar is a chef who reasoned that nobody wanted to buy Italian food from someone who was raised in a country where kippers and onions are considered a pretty neat thing. So he took on an Italian persona and Luigi was born.

5. Ralph Wiggum

Nothing is more toxic on social media then shaming a child (unless they are wearing a MAGA hat, then it’s okay). In an environment where kids are swaddled in bubble wrap until the age of 26, brainwashed into thinking they are the center of the multiverse and believe the bill of rights protects them from having to hear things they don’t agree with the character of Ralph Wiggum could not exist.

As created, this is a kid with a lot of issues. He shows characteristics consistent with both schizophrenia and autism. In today’s world this alone would make Ralph a sympathetic character.

In the Simpson’s he is portrayed as a nose picking, bed wetting, retard whose imaginary friend occasionally tells him to “burn things.” Dangerous, bladder challenged, idiot is probably not something an audience of snowflakes should be applauding.

6. Homer

There is a whole movement built around ‘Fat Acceptance.’ Four hundred pound Whitney Thore dances all over The Learning Channel to the song “Big Girl you are Beautiful.” Sports Illustrated now features plus sized models as part of their annual swimsuit issue.

Airline passengers are looked down upon for complaining when a gastropod in the next seat spreads beyond the borders of their own chair. In this renaissance of the robust, Homer Simpson could not be created. In a world where Apu is being removed for being a negative stereotype, Homer Simpson would have to buy a bus ticket out of Springfield with him.

Homer rings the bell on just about every portrayal of the obese that raises the blood pressure of many FA advocates. Homer is a lazy moron whose appetite for food is only rivaled by his desire for beer. His parental skills are up there with a male grizzly bear who is more likely to eat its offspring then nurture it. His wife marge is the poster women for the words “You could have done better!”

Homer came about in a time when watching a fat person fall was still allowed to be funny. Were he created today the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA) would strip Matt Groening naked, slather him in honey, and baptize him with fire ants. Or they would just eat him. Regardless of what would happen to Mr. Groening, without Homer there is no show. So in an atmosphere where Apu has to go, the Simpsons could not exist at all.