Interview with Punxsutawney Phil

  • Post category:Satire

Covering PETA, Politics and Everything In Between

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There are few animals around the world that have their own day. Monkey Day is December 14th. National Day of the Horse is December 13th and December 4th is National Cheetah Day. When it comes to animals, only one has its own day every year: Punxsutawney Phil, Pennsylvania’s Meteorologist Groundhog. Every year, Phil and the Inner Circle tell people around the world how much longer winter is going to last.

Phil’s Accuracy Rate Tops Congress’ and Newspapers

While his six-week accuracy rate is only 40%, he tops Congress (23%), Newspapers (20% trust rating), Television (21% trust rating)  and even the six-week climate forecast model (15%). On his special day, Phil took the time to speak to NRN about some issues near and dear to his heart. The interview started with the “big news” in Punxsutawney. PETA’s petition is to have Phil retired and have an “Animatronic” groundhog which would predict the weather.

Those PETA freaks want to turn me into a ‘Chucky Cheese’ singing robot with no connection to nature.

Punxsutawney Phil

“The Hill article was a hit job,” Phil said. “Those of us who work at the Punxsutawney library have a better life than any other animal out there. I work one day a year to support my family. So what if I have to sign a couple of autographs during the year? I have fans and I owe it to them.” Phil continued, “My family is safe, well fed and the only predators that we have to worry about are the perverts who are looking up porn on public computers.”

Phil went on to say that while he is private in his personal life, he does enjoy spending time with his fans on February second. “This is a big deal for a lot of people and the town. Those PETA freaks want to turn me into a “Chucky Cheese” singing robot with no connection to nature. It is sick how they spit on the traditions of towns. I am a lucky hog to have this job and my Inner Circle buddies and I are willing to fight for it.”

PETA: The Band of Eco-terrorists Making Life Worse for Many Animals

Phil’s disagreements with PETA do not end with their attempts to take away his job. “PETA is a sham. Their terrorist activities of attacking whaling ships under the name of “Sea Shepards” should fool no one, especially with their other very non-peaceful activities. When they attack Japanese flag ships under the protection of the United States, they are nothing more than eco-terrorists.”

Phil went on to say, “What makes it worse is that they do not look to real animal rights issues. They attack hunters, not realizing that it is a better death for an animal to be “harvested” than to be run over by a car and linger on for weeks in pain. Even wore would be for them to die of starvation because the population has gotten too big. PETA should be looking at animal abuses like having big dogs in small apartments. In fact, look at people having any animal in a small apartment.”

“The people of Punxsutawney provide me with an entire habitat here so my family can enjoy life. People with big dogs in small apartments are just giving ‘yard time’ to prison inmates. To make matters worse, the idiots in Harrisburg agree with them. They are working to ban people from letting their dogs outside in the winter. Some breeds savor the cold, dumba**es! Huskies, St. Bernard’s, and other dogs look forward to this yet PETA and their “bought and paid for” Philadelphia politicians force them to sweat it out in hot houses. While you should not toss a hairless dog outside, some dogs do like it.”


Turning away from PETA and their assault on his job, we asked Phil about the current state of the country. “I think President Donald Trump is doing a good job, better than I thought he would have. While the fascists in Harrisburg will not let me vote, I was a moderate Trump supporter. I supported Pennsylvania’s own Rick Santorum before Trump.” When asked whether he will support Trump in the upcoming election, he went into his den and came back out with a “Make America Great Again Hat on. “Does this answer your question?” he asked.

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“Trump has brought more jobs to Pennsylvania than any president in the last 40 years. These people who live in Punxy, Indiana; Altoona, Johnstown; and all of Central Pennsylvania are more than just friends. Together we are a community. We support the president because he does not look at us as ‘flyover country’ like Obama, the Bushes, and Clinton did. President Trump realizes the heartland is the heart of this country. While the cities are important too, rural America needs Washington to pay attention to it.”

On the Attempted Impeachment: Why Trump?

Phil then turned his attention to the impeachment. “I have a lot of time to read in the library, and I am very up to date on Constitutional Law. Who in the hell thought it was a good idea to impeach a sitting president for looking into the corruption of a past vice president, likely at the behest of the former president? Obama and Biden interfered in Ukraine’s politics. We know that because Biden admitted it on TV. In fact, the SOB bragged about it. Why then is it wrong to investigate an admitted crime? Running for president is not a ‘get out of jail free card.”

Going back to PETA, Phil decided to have a little fun with it. “Those tree hugging bastards want to take my job and throw me and my family out into the fields. Animatronics will not do what I do. Why not have an animatronic PETA and fire all of the damn hippies. Imagine how great that would be. They would quit promoting the myth that vegans are healthy.” Phil did mention while he was primarily vegetarian he did eat the odd grub or beetle as a guilty pleasure.

End All Harassment — Against Animals and MAGA Alike

Phil expressed a belief that we could end the harassment of people who are following the law and maintaining animal populations. “Maybe, just maybe, we could have an animatronic PETA push for policies that actually help animals. Rather than emotional arguments that a 5 year old could see the problems with.” Phil concluded, “This is a big day for my family. I want to thank you for taking the time to chat with me but I have to get back to the party.”

Phil asked us to have our readers call Punxsutawney and the Groundhog Society and tell them we want the jobs saved of Phil, Buckeye Chuck, and the dozens of hardworking groundhogs across the country. In one final shot, he stated, “We do more work than Congress and the idiots in Harrisburg combined. Maybe we should hire those robot presidents in Disneyworld to run Washington. At least they would work half the time.”

Christopher W Smithmyer
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