Satire: Rep. Pavalock-D’Amoto Strikes Blow to Warren Campaign with Bi-Partisan Hearing Aid Bill

  • Post category:Opinion

Uh-oh! Warren’s Message Can Now be Heard

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In an unlikely alliance, conservative Republicans and moderate Democrats came together in the Connecticut state house to pass a bipartisan hearing aid bill. According to the Bristol Press, Rep.Cara Pavalock-D’Amoto (R) stated, “Ultimately, all of the negative repercussions of unmitigated hearing loss do not outweigh the cost of what it will take insurance companies to cover the purchase of hearing aids, and I believe this bill ensures that Connecticut residents have access to quality health care.” While this bill is seen as a major win for the people of Connecticut with hearing loss, this is seen as a major blow to the Senator Elizabeth Warren presidential campaign.

According to an unconfirmed source who is affiliated with someone’s daughter who dates a campaign volunteer 20 years older than her (which is still more legitimate than Adam Schiff’s anonymous meetings with a Democrat operative whistleblower), “many of the older campaign staff have quit working at their office saying now that they have heard [Warren’s] plans, they simply could not do it anymore.” The source continued, one man said, “I signed up because I saw all the signs for free stuff—I did not realize it was free stuff for college students and illegal immigrants and that I would be paying for it.” This exodus is largely attributed to the staff being able to hear her speeches.

Irresponsible Legislation?

We took this question to some of the affected people in Connecticut to see how they felt about this new bill. While people were universally thankful, many of the elderly people whom we talked to during these interviews had comments about their changes in political affiliation. Ruth, 85, from Bristol stated that she had shifted her stance on who she was voting for from “Strongly Elizabeth Warren” to a toss up between Rep. Tusli Gabbard and President Trump.

She stated that her hipster children had been brining her campaign flyers for Warren, which she did not read until she heard a Warren speech on the radio. She believes that this goes beyond being a political or even a moral issue stating, “The only way that nutjob can do what she wants to do is kill all of us old people off. I am going to live to 120 just to spite that b****.”

We also took the time to go to the Shady-Hope Retirement and Funeral Home. The residents here are in an uproar as they are now hearing Warren’s message on the 24 hour loop of CNN that is shown at the home. One employee stated, “We just cannot turn off the TVs, we do not have that kind of power.

They are on an independent power soure,” adding, “we usually leave the TVs on all the time because Anderson Cooper’s hair calms the residents. We never, in our darkest nightmares, believed that they would actually hear what the people on the TV were saying. Did the Connecticut house think of that before passing this irresponsible bill?” The interview was cut short as the employee had to once again assume her riot gear.”

Knowledge is Power

As members of the press, we were allowed to pass through the battle lines of Shady-Hope to the senior side, with the help of a young nurse who was a member of the Red Cross, making sure that the residents were still getting their medication. Brian, 92, who fought in World War II, had on a shirt that said “McCarthy, now more than ever.” He commented that this was the most free he had felt since he was a young man. “Bless you Ms. Pavalock-D’Amoto and all the people who voted for this bill.”

Another resident, Ellen, 87, had a banner that said, “Four More Years: Make America Great Again.” She and her knitting circle had torn up old “I’m with her,” “Run, Liz, Run,” and “Warren 2020” t-shirts that they said they were “forced to wear” and crocheted them into banners. As a bonus for covering them, they also gave me a “MAGA 2020” sweater.

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Overall, the fallout of this bill’s passing could be devastating to Warren’s campaign. Several different democratic sources, including rumored Congresswomen Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, have pressed for a ban on hearing aids until the end of the 2020 election. An unofficial spokesperson for the congresswoman who works at the Hot Dog Hut (if you remember, the congresswoman was terminated from a similar establishment for incompetence) stated that Democrat candidates are simply not equipped to deal with an electorate that can hear or understand English.

This spokesperson says the Democratic National Committee (DNC) is rumored to be pushing a “one illegal immigrant for every hearing aid distributed policy” to balance out the voter rolls, and also insisted that illegal immigrants would not vote while winking at the tape recorder. We applaud Rep. Pavalock-D’Amato for brining this bill to the floor and giving more people a stake in the political process by allowing them to hear the craziness that is coming out of Liz Warren’s mouth.

In all honesty though, the representative is helping a lot of people who are differently abled. If you would like to donate to her campaign, please go to her campaign website.

Christopher W Smithmyer
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